Tag: expectations

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Lowering the Bar

I was inspired by a friend (Denice Lambert) who posted this on facebook:

J: What do you want these boys to wear?
Me: They already dressed themselves. They sort of match and their clothes don’t have any holes or stains.
J: So those are the standards now?
Me: Yep.

Lowering the bar might be the most Godly thing you can do. (as long as it’s the right bar/standard) Lowering one bar is sometimes essential in order to raise another.

One simple example: Our house doesn’t always have to be spotless. When visitors drop in, it’s highly unlikely that they will find an OCD dream. Most of the time, we have shoes piled in one corner of the room and there might be clothes folded on the couch or backpacks opened with school supplies falling out onto the floor. It’s “lived in.” When I come home from work, I could focus my attention on cleaning up the place, or I could go outside and play with my kids. Some of you may disagree, but my calculations say that time with my children is more important. By lowering the “clean house” bar, I can raise the bar for my relationships. (Let me also say, that this one with my personality is easy for me to lower. My beautiful bride, who is usually correct, would like for me to pick this bar up off the floor a bit more.)

By choosing a specific bar to lower, we can focus on those things which are more important. By lowering one bar we might also grant permission to others to do the same. Using my previous example….maybe my wife only feels like the house has to be clean because her other friends have raised this bar…because our culture has said this is the “norm.”

By continuing to follow our cultural standards to always raise the bar, we perpetuate the myth that we can have it ALL together. It’s simply not true. We can play this game and mask the fact that we are not perfect, but that doesn’t make us perfect. In reality this game, forces us to neglect some other area in our life – quite possibly an area which is ultimately more important. Also, by continuing to raise all the bars, we overload ourselves with unreal expectations. When we fail and these expectations aren’t met, we feel an unnecessary sense of guilt.

When I attended CBS (College of Biblical Studies) they used a system called “Contract Grading.” They set a standard of a specific grouping of assignments and explained that if the student did each assignment successfully, he would receive an “A.” A smaller subset of those assignments would receive a “B” and an even smaller set would receive a “C.” They did not put pressure on students to work for the “A” all the time, and even explained that they understood that each of us had a life outside of school. They said that it might even be “sinful” to get an “A” in the class if it took us away from something that might be more important. I LOVED this approach and was set free emotionally to put as much or as little into each class as I felt like God would want me to do. These teachers communicated a trust in our own judgement and yet still held us to a standard that would stretch each of us. They gave us the option to “lower the bar.”

What bars/standards consume your time and drain your energy? Are they getting in the way of more important bars? Is someone else’s high bar making you feel inadequate? If so, evaluate the bar, is it important or will you choose to keep it low and focus elsewhere?

Prayer:   LORD, Help me to see which bars I need to lower and which ones I should raise. Give me discernment. Lead me to a schedule that will allow me to focus on the standards which you think are important and whittle away those which are not. AMEN.

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Expectations Matter – A Pretty Face

A pretty face makes more of a difference than you might think. See what you think of this:

51 women signed up for a study on communication. They would speak to an unknown man on the phone and chit chat about the weather, hobbies, etc. The women knew nothing of it, but the men who would make the calls were given a biographical profile and a picture of the women they would be calling. Well. . . that’s what they thought. The profiles were accurate, but the photos were fake. They were specially selected photos: some were of extremely beautiful women while the other half were photos of more ordinary women. After seeing the bios and photos, but before making the phone call, the men were asked to fill out an impression questionnaire.

Not surprisingly, the men who had photos of beautiful women believed they would speak to women who were sociable, poised, humorous, and socially adept. The men who had photos of more ordinary women expected to speak to unsociable, awkward, serious, and socially inept. They had made their “diagnosis” and set their expectations before even speaking to the women.

During their conversations, the men had a hard time seeing the women in any other way. They naturally noticed the characteristics which supported their original assessments and ignored (or didn’t notice) the characteristics which deviated from their perceptions. Their bias’ were brought into the conversations.

Here’s where it gets interesting. The researchers recorded the phone conversations and took the men’s side of the conversation out. A third group of people who knew nothing of the study or it’s participants, were then asked to listen to the recordings of the women. Listening only to the women, this group was asked to fill out the same impression questionnaire that the men filled out earlier. They rated the women the same way the men did. They based their impressions off the voice of a one-sided conversation while the men had based their impressions off of a fake photo.

The expectations of the men not only influenced their perceptions of the women, but also influenced the subtle nuances of the conversations. The men were unconsciously sending out “beautiful” cues. The women subconsciously picked up on the “beautiful” opinions that the men had of them and they reacted similarly. Being thought of as beautiful, made the women believe they were beautiful and they acted as such. The third party group could hear the beauty in their voices because these women believed they were beautiful. Although some were actually very average in appearance, they were still seen as beautiful based upon the confidence and beauty in their voices.

Expectations matter. They change our own perceptions. They change others. They change the world.

Expectations matter.

PS – This experiment is described in the book Sway by Ori and Rom Brafman.

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Expectations Matter – Soldiers Command Potential

105 soldiers were participating in a 15 week commander training program in Israel. A psychologist informed the training officers who would be leading the program that they had assembled comprehensive information about each of the soldiers. Each soldier had been classified into one of 3 potential “Command Potential” categories: 1.) High Potential, 2.) Regular Potential, or 3.) Unknown – due to insufficient information. The soldiers were placed into these categories through a series of psychological tests, sociometric data from the previous course, and previous officer ratings. The training officers were requested to learn the names of each soldier who would be in his command and his “CP” rating before the program started. When the program began, the soldiers were divided into groups with even numbers of high, regular, and unknown CP soldiers.

After the 15 week program ended, the officers confirmed that those soldiers who were placed in the highest “CP” category were in fact the ones who had performed the best.

Here’s the catch. The “CP” (command potential) ratings were not actually assigned based upon any data at all. They were actually selected at random.

Those soldiers who were seen as having high potential ultimately lived up to the expectations of their commanding officers. When the officers were told about the random selections, they argued with the psychologists and defended their position – they truly believed that there must have been actual data used to reach those conclusions.

Expectations matter.

I wonder how many of the “regular CP” or “unknown CP” soldiers actually had a lot of potential too? I wonder what effect lower expectations have upon someone?

PS – This example was also from the book “Sway” by Ori and Rom Brafman. If you like this kind of stuff, you should check it out.

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Expectations Matter – Two Words

Expectations Matter. Part 1 – Two words matter. (This will be a short series of posts.)

Check out this psychological test!

A professor doesn’t show up to teach one day @ MIT. The students are told there will be a substitute and they are each given a short bio describing their sub. It reads:

“Mr. ___________ is a graduate student in the department of economics and social science here at MIT. He has had 3 semesters of teaching experience in psychology at another college. This is his 1st semester teaching this class. He is 26 yrs old, a veteran, and married. People who know him consider him to be a very warm person, industrious, critical, practical, and determined.”

Now, here’s the catch. Although they believed that everyone was reading the same bio, only half of the class got this bio. The other half got the same bio with two different words. The words “very warm” were replaced with “rather cold.” The last line of the 2nd one read, “People who know him consider him to be a rather cold person, industrious, critical, practical, and determined.”

After sitting in and viewing the exact same teacher under the exact same circumstances, the students were given a short questionnaire about the sub. By their responses, you’d think they had experienced two completely different classes with two different teachers. The students who got the “warm” bio, loved him. Their descriptions were: good-natured, considerate of others, informal, sociable, popular, humorous, and humane. The 2nd group with the “cold” bio described him as: self-centered, formal, unsociable, irritable, humorless, and ruthless.

Two words have the power to change our perceptions and possibly destroy a relationship before it even begins.

Expectations matter.

The example above is from the book “Sway” by Ori and Rom Brafman. I will be using a few more of their examples throughout this short series of posts. You should check out their book. It’s great stuff!

They call this effect the “diagnosis sway.” Once someone has “diagnosed” another person, it’s very difficult for them to let go of their perception and they will view every interaction with them through this lens. This is what happened to the students. The bios gave them a pre-determined diagnosis and so they viewed everything about the substitute through this lens – picking up subtle nuances and perceptions which would support their diagnosis. This is why first impressions are so important. Once someone has diagnosed you, they will see only those characteristics which will support their first impression diagnosis.

I wanted to write this series of posts because we’ve been talking about expectations in my teacher’s alternative certification classes. Teachers can be “swayed” or have the wrong expectations of a student for many reasons. At the beginning of the year a teacher may be tempted to talk to the students previous teachers to find out what he/she is like, but I’d say they should refrain. A student should have the opportunity to “start over” each year. The new teacher should be willing to “draw their own conclusions” without the influence of others.

“Stand and Deliver” is one of the great movies about teaching. This is the teacher hero’s secret. He has higher expectations of his students. He has not diagnosed them as average or incapable, but instead he sees the possibilities within them and encourages them. Expectations matter.

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Consistency

consistencyIn his book “Wild Goose Chase,” Mark Batterson brings up something that really struck me. He says that the reason we take things for granted is because they have been so consistent. I think it’s true! I take it for granted that my bride will get up when Kasen cries in the middle of the night. Why? Because she’s been so consistent about doing so. Because she’s so good, I’ve come to expect it. At one time earlier in our relationship, I was surprised by some of her actions/behaviors etc. I saw them as incredible expressions of love – she has continued to love me in those ways, but I have gotten “used to it” and grown to expect it. I’m not longer surprised by those things.

I remember Voddie Bachaum speaking about relationships at a bible study saying that we should work to “Expect nothing and appreciate everything.” This is perfect advise for me.

Here’s another thought – I wonder if we miss God because He’s so good? Because He’s so good at being God, we take Him for granted. His consistency/goodness has caused us to have some expectations. What if we were surprised when we were given another new day to live? Would we live differently? Would we remember Him more if we didn’t have food consistently on our plates? Maybe this is the “gift” He has given the poor?

Bottom line: He is so good to us. Maybe we should quit expecting and begin appreciating a little more.